My tale of 20/20…. This past weekend, I checked into El Mirasol Villas in Palm Springs and returned to room 20, where I had spent my last New Years’ vacation alone… when in my isolation and newfound freedom, I stripped down to a harness and jockstrap and danced in front of a camera.
When I shared a picture from that “session” in a post last New Years Eve, I also revealed that I’d been wounded by 2018. Only one month prior, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. I was vulnerable and numb from the experience, both mourning a life that was no longer and would never be, while bracing for the long goodbye in the months to follow. So while my striptease was a celebration of me and symbolic of starting anew, I ultimately barricaded myself in room 20 last year and shook my ass in front of a camera because I could. There was no one there to tell me otherwise. It would soon be 2019 and, however odd, a more courageous and independent me began in a pic wearing a jockstrap and the conviction to send it.
A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail confirming that my marriage was dissolved as of November 26, 2019. While the news was welcomed, the finality was sobering. My ex-husband and I handled our unwinding like champs, and our friendship has been preserved. It wasn’t about him, so much as it was comprehending the time that had passed. After two consecutive long term relationships, I was single again. And the last time I was free to take on planet Earth on my own, it was 1996 and I was 25. I know now that back then I was misguided. What I yearned for most was to be loved by another boy that could heal my hurt… Come what may. Entering 2020 in the last year of my forties, I now find myself seeking a higher love, which is to say – a life with purpose.
For this year’s photoshoot, I went with a “me, myself, and eye” theme as a nod to my independence and room 20. While last year I wanted bravery heading into the year ahead, now I most want to be present, outside of room 20. 2019 was a needed year of transition, where I could focus on the gym and unleash myself on the dance floor. I made progress, had a lot of fun and met some amazing people along the way, but I did so within a bubble. I was there but I wasn’t present. While I may have danced a lot, I did so in the corner, where I could go unnoticed and take in my new life at a distance. As a result, I held people at bay to protect them and me from the social anxiety that came with starting anew. Simply put, I hid in the open.
I’d love for 2020 to be the defining final act of my forties, for it be the year I stopped observing my life and learned to exist. In order to own the present, however, I must first bid a final farewell to my past. I need to leave room 20 once and for all. After I turn off the lights and close the door behind me, I need to step into the night and be more thankful for the air, however chilly.
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